Writing is the only thing that stops the litany/liturgy of hate in my mind.comp book

I have these tattered, coffee-stain composition books I like to use for writing.  In them, I have sermon notes, professional development notes, journaling, thoughts, quotes, research, and many versions of poems. Today I am going through this one because it is full and I want to make sure I gleaned everything in it to Google docs.

Often times, I find I’ve started something and never got back to it.  Or it maybe just a phrase or imagery I want to do something with.  I found some very painful journaling from last summer.  At that time I had an inkling it was the beginning of the end of a relationship.  It was a brutal time and I have not felt that devastated and horrible about myself in a long time.  There are parts I simply can’t reread now because it is still too raw and I don’t have enough scar tissue built up.

I did find the beginning of a poem I started.  I just spent the last hour tinkering with it in Google docs.  As I became absorbed in the process, my mind goes into this wonderful state of researching, creating, and crafting my words.  It completes me like nothing I have ever found.  In the writing process, I can clarify what is going on in my life and distract myself from my own hateful thoughts.  It helps me with my self-talk in my brain and in my prayers.  I can move beyond self-pity and self-hatred.

When I couldn’t find the right word or phrase I wrote down the thought so I wouldn’t forget it. I remind myself of all the quotes about getting the rough draft down on paper, shitty as it.

So begins my next poem.

Remember it is the shitty first draft.

fire hate


Published by: Basicallybarb

Barbara A Meier is a poet, teacher, and mother, trying to write her way out of Kansas, anxiety and depression. Instead of indulging in feeling like garbage, trash, or rubbish, she chooses to examine the debris of her life by writing poems about it. After all as a forgiven, child of God, simultaneously saint and sinner, she is loved and cherished by her God.

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