Writing is the only thing that stops the litany/liturgy of hate in my mind.
I have these tattered, coffee-stain composition books I like to use for writing. In them, I have sermon notes, professional development notes, journaling, thoughts, quotes, research, and many versions of poems. Today I am going through this one because it is full and I want to make sure I gleaned everything in it to Google docs.
Often times, I find I’ve started something and never got back to it. Or it maybe just a phrase or imagery I want to do something with. I found some very painful journaling from last summer. At that time I had an inkling it was the beginning of the end of a relationship. It was a brutal time and I have not felt that devastated and horrible about myself in a long time. There are parts I simply can’t reread now because it is still too raw and I don’t have enough scar tissue built up.
I did find the beginning of a poem I started. I just spent the last hour tinkering with it in Google docs. As I became absorbed in the process, my mind goes into this wonderful state of researching, creating, and crafting my words. It completes me like nothing I have ever found. In the writing process, I can clarify what is going on in my life and distract myself from my own hateful thoughts. It helps me with my self-talk in my brain and in my prayers. I can move beyond self-pity and self-hatred.
When I couldn’t find the right word or phrase I wrote down the thought so I wouldn’t forget it. I remind myself of all the quotes about getting the rough draft down on paper, shitty as it.
So begins my next poem.
Remember it is the shitty first draft.